Should you tell him ‘EVERYTHING’? Guest Post by Abiola George
Tracy was excited when Charles asked her out. Just her kind of man, he was godly, funny, attentive, intelligent, kind and generous. He made it clear that he had strong values to uphold and did not pressure her into having sex with him…a first for her. She felt she could be herself with him and completely threw herself into a whirlwind romance.
A few weeks into their relationship, she decided it was time to lay herself bare and tell him ‘everything’ about her past. Although she was in her mid-twenties, she had made many mistakes in her past relationships and so far she had undergone a number of abortions, the last one barely months before they met. They had just spent a nice afternoon together when she decided to drop her bombshell.
He didn’t say anything in response to her confession and the day ended amicably enough. Only the next morning, he didn’t call. When I saw him a few weeks later and asked after his ‘babe’, he told me what had happened and asked what I thought. I told him he was lucky she trusted him enough to tell him the truth, but being someone who had very strict views about pre-marital sex, he could not even fathom how to carry on a relationship with someone who had gone ‘that far’. There was nothing I could say to appeal to his Christian values of forgiveness and acceptance. He just couldn’t handle it. So he broke up with her.
Recently, there has been a spate of incidents reported in the social media about domestic violence leading to the death of one of the partners, usually the woman. These stories are very sad indeed because it is obvious from the comments of close friends that something was wrong all along.
Many survivors of rape, kidnap, abuse, and all other kinds of violations usually say that when they came in contact with the person who violated them, they ‘felt something was wrong’ but decided to over-ride that feeling. This is also true for people who have survived accidents, and people who have been duped in business. They all had a ‘feeling’ but decided not to dig deeper.
Think about it…how many times have you felt that you shouldn’t do a deal with someone but you went ahead because the deal looked good and you ended up being duped? How many times have you felt ‘there’s something not quite right about that guy’ but you decided to date him and not too long after he manifests a behaviour that shocks you?
This ‘feeling’ that we all have is our God-given INTUITION. Simply defined, intuition is that ‘knowing’ that you get without thinking about the issue consciously. In essence, it is a part of us that is connected to the largest ‘database’ in existence, and by this I mean the Spirit of God who teaches us all things, if only we would listen. As I was writing just now, this came to me: IN-TUITION means ‘inner teaching’. WOW!
One of the values I have always cherished is parental consent. Call me old school, but in talking to many people who have gone through divorce, their mother said on meeting their intended only ONCE “you have not yet found a wife” or their father said “this guy is not good for you”. Somehow, they just know and then they observe. Yes, there are cases of parents who are motivated by greed or social appearances but I have found also in these cases that someone who is an authority figure in their life had the courage to speak the truth.
So how do we develop our intuition?
Unlike many girls I know, I grew up a tomboy. It wasn’t until I was in my mid-twenties that it occurred to me that I was a grown woman and started desiring ‘womanly’ things like marriage and children. I didn’t have any specific ideas in mind…it was not something I had given serious though before.
I attended a church meeting once where the preacher encouraged everyone present to write a list of what they desired (depending on their situation). He asked the single ladies to be very detailed about the type of husbands they desired and when we were done, it went in a huge pile for prayers. At another fellowship months later, the preacher admonished those of us present that we should not dictate lists to God and if we had such lists, we should tear them up or burn them even.
In the following 10 years, I lost count of how many lists I wrote and tore up mentally and physically. I put out fleeces and mentally withdrew them (if you don’t know what this means please read Judges 6, especially verses 35 – 40). In that time, I met all sorts of men with different agenda but none seemed to click. Most were comfortable with my faith as long as I kept it to myself and it didn’t get in the way of our relationship. When our values conflicted, it was because I was being ‘holier than thou’. At some point, I was not even sure God was interested in the desires of my heart concerning a husband and I was ready to settle. I thought maybe everyone was right…maybe I was 30+ and single because I was being too ‘picky’.