Should you tell him ‘EVERYTHING’? Guest Post by Abiola George
Tracy was excited when Charles asked her out. Just her kind of man, he was godly, funny, attentive, intelligent, kind and generous. He made it clear that he had strong values to uphold and did not pressure her into having sex with him…a first for her. She felt she could be herself with him and completely threw herself into a whirlwind romance.
A few weeks into their relationship, she decided it was time to lay herself bare and tell him ‘everything’ about her past. Although she was in her mid-twenties, she had made many mistakes in her past relationships and so far she had undergone a number of abortions, the last one barely months before they met. They had just spent a nice afternoon together when she decided to drop her bombshell.
He didn’t say anything in response to her confession and the day ended amicably enough. Only the next morning, he didn’t call. When I saw him a few weeks later and asked after his ‘babe’, he told me what had happened and asked what I thought. I told him he was lucky she trusted him enough to tell him the truth, but being someone who had very strict views about pre-marital sex, he could not even fathom how to carry on a relationship with someone who had gone ‘that far’. There was nothing I could say to appeal to his Christian values of forgiveness and acceptance. He just couldn’t handle it. So he broke up with her.
Tracy is now respectably married with children. She is married to another Christian man who I also know to be an upstanding person. And yes, she told him her story but it didn’t get in the way of his feelings for her enough for him not to go ahead with marrying her.
The first thing most people would say is that the second man is her husband and Charles was not really for her. I dont completely agree. Tracy and Charles’ story is not strange. It happens all the time and it leaves women asking, “Should I tell him everything?” when he asks “So tell me everything about your past”. Some even say that men can’t handle the truth, so don’t tell them.
So that you know where I stand, I believe that you should not have any secrets between you and your husband or husband to be. It is a risk, yes but one that will make your life together very peaceful. And from asking lots of questions, I now believe that the key to divulging your past is in the timing.
In the early stages of a relationship, a woman is quite clear if she can marry the man or not. I hear it’s not always the same for men and it may take some time for them to reach the decision to devote their life to that particular woman. Opening up fully about a past you are ashamed of at this stage interrupts his process of getting to know you and decide how he feels about you. It doesn’t make him a bad person (as it is possible even he has a worst past than you do), that is just human nature.
Most men agree that when they have made up their mind about a woman, it will take something MAJOR to change their minds. Also, most of them agree that if there is something to disclose, they would rather hear it directly from the lady and not from an outside source. Of course, relationships still break up at this stage, but the probability of it happening is less than if the timing was premature. I am sure we all know at least one former ‘bad girl’ who is now happily married to a decent man who knows all about her past.
So am I saying you shouldn’t be honest with your man? No, I am saying quite the opposite. If a man has not reached the stage where he is ready to commit to you, you do not owe him a blow-by-blow account of a past that you have moved away from. However, when he is ready (you will know when he asks you to marry him), you owe him the truth. He may still leave you at this point, but that’s okay. That is much better than going into a marriage based on a foundation of deception.